I would have given that up so much sooner! So much of my life has been spent thinking that I was in control. Not only was that not true, it was a horrible misuse of my life-time. I wasted massive amounts of time believing that I was able to somehow control various situations.
I learned much later in life that this control aspect of my behavior likely came from growing up in an environment of substance abuse. In childhood, be completely incapable of controlling anything, makes for a wish to control everything. Waking as a child everyday, not knowing what kind of day would unfold. Happy, sad, angry, adults absent or arguing, school day or weekend it didn’t matter. The day depended upon how much alcohol was consumed the day prior and whether it would leak into the current day. The term “fell off the wagon” was annoyingly simplistic. Falling off the wagon in my world meant no adults available for an undetermined amount of days. The younger you are the scarier it feels.
As I matured, I learned to control the effects of their behaviors as it pertained to my life, which subsequently led to believing that I could control most, if not all, aspects of my life. Wrong, wrong, so very wrong.
It took connecting with my current partner, and living, relearning through many of life’s uncontrollable moments to learn that life is best lived with eyes wide open and ready to receive instructions as they come. My former view was so limiting, safe maybe, but so boring. I am happy to living a life where I am not in control.
Laboccadellaverita 